i was playing some bridge last Friday night
a friendly game with the neighbors
i was doing alright
i’d had a few good hands, i was winning you see
then my friends started getting a little hostile with me
they said “you brought the deck, Samm
these cards are marked”
one of ‘em ran outside
where my Toyota was parked
it was my neighbor Chuck, a really nice guy
ah but now he had a real wild look in his eye
he pulled out a knife, started slashing my tires
reached under the dashboard, pulling out wires
i said “Chuck, what the fuck? i mean,
what the fuck, Chuck?”
he said “Samm it looks like you’re flat out of luck
you ain’t going nowhere in this car, you cheater”
then up from behind come my good friend Peter
he clipped me on the shoulder with a frying pan
then his wife pulled a gun, nice gal, name of Ann
she fired a single round, took out my left middle toe
i thought “i still got nine, i’ll be alright, you know”
but then Ann’s friend Jane, i don’t know her that well
ran up to me screaming “i’ll send you to hell”
she was waving a big long Samurai sword
i thought “that’s the kinda wound that I cannot afford”
so i took off running down the tree lined street
i had nine toes left, i could still use my feet
but now the whole gang was chasing me closing in quick
one had a crow bar, another an ice pick
i tripped and fell, they surrounded me fast
and i thought “this moment might be my last”
but then a voice down the block shouted
“listen up now, if our friend Samm cheated
well i don’t know how
cause those cards aren’t marked they’re totally clean”
they said “what? he didn’t cheat? is that what you mean?”
he said “that’s right, y’all, you got to spare him his life
and that goes double for Peter’s wife”
and so she holstered her gun and said
“sorry ‘bout the toe,
but i’ll bring you a loaf of my homemade sourdough”
and Peter said “sorry ‘bout the shoulder, man,
as a gesture of good will, here, take the frying pan”
and Chuck said “sorry ‘bout the tires old friend
i hope our friendship will never end”
and so we all headed back to the house where we were playing
they were all apologetic, nice things they were saying
they gave me the last beer they had in the fridge
and said “Samm, next week please join us for bridge”
Singer and songwriter, player of unusual string instruments such as 3-string and 1-string guitar, plus jaw harps, mouthbow, electronics and junk, plus all manner of drums and percussion.
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